I grew up moving through different paths of people and as a child I never found the right group for myself. I would call myself a young nomad in a sort of way. I have navigated different groups in my life and watched how other people interact with each other– their dynamics, their structures, their routines, or cues when their annoyed at another person.

From that, there is a difference between the loudest in the room and a natural born leader. I feel like you only read about natural born leaders in dystopian, young adult novels like Katniss Everdeen in Hunger Games or Thomas in Maze Runner. (Since I was a friend group nomad in middle school I spent a lot of times reading dystopian, young adult books). The reluctant leaders are the type of people only authors write books about. Where these characters never wanted to be a leader but their strength, power, and skill forced them to become one. The characters and people around them pushed them to the plate and forced them to becoming iconic and be known in history books. They are what the world needs them to be, so they change. The loudest people in the room are quite the opposite, where they force themselves on to that pedestal. This is what I think leaders in the real world look like. They come into power by pushing others down, manipulation, and propaganda. They give themselves the crown rather others handing them one.

These dynamics of natural born leaders versus self imposed leaders can be seen in politics today, work dynamics, and social groups. Books that are coming into mind when I think about the contrast is Lord of the Flies, Animal Farm, and The Giver. All banned books, because maybe they tell truth too comfortably and show leaders who do not move the spotlight towards them but rather it is shone on to them in times of desperation.

From that being said, my leadership style has changed since coming to Prague. In group projects when I was younger, I saw that one of my weaknesses was to be the controller but not being confident enough to be in that sort of position. It is the constant doubt in my head. I am sure that other people have it. As I grew older, the constant doubt took over my want to be the teacher or the leader in group projects. It leaves crumbs in every knot in my brain and every step I take in the world– with my friendships (am I am being a bad friend?), with boys (how could he fancy me?), and in work (this is not good enough). Anything bad happens, I take it as a conformation of my doubt. Going abroad has made me more confident in myself. Despite, my new way of leadership seemed to be forced upon by others. When problems come to friend groups there are some people that wait for the problem to be solved and the problem solvers. I have noticed I am the type of person who has waited in the past– more like I noticed that the problem has arrived after it has already been solved. Being abroad traveling and managing my time has caused me step up. I navigate the group in an unknown city, I plan where we go for dinner and what we will be doing after. It is nice to see myself in a new pair of shoes and to unravel my doubts about myself.

I stayed for the weekend in Prague. It will be the last weekend I have in Prague for a long time, or even my last time. We went to a flee market, we went to bars, we went out for dinner, we slept in, we ran away from people we don’t like, and created more memories to stick into our journals. It could have not been a better or more relaxing weekend. The worst part of the week is saying good bye to the people I have grown so close with. I dream about facetiming every night, and texting about our days like how we did in Prague but busy days catch up to us. The worst part is I know when we say that to each other and it’s empty promises. That does not mean I do not want to or that I will not think about missing them, I just know I use my phone the way it is not intended to be used. (Meaning: Phone is used to connect with people, but now it just a projection of one’s loneliness.)